Sorry for being a lazy blogger (or bordering on non-blogger). This is supposed to be an update about Brittany, and it is, but it’s also an encouragement that circumstances do not dictate our lives, although at times they seem to. So, here I go being emotionally naked! [again] I tend not to share a lot of what Brittany is thinking…it’s her story to tell, but she is my story………her illness feels a bit all-consuming……..I even like distractions…..and have sought them out…..which explains why I haven’t updated people as I should.
I won’t have a full update on Brittany until May 5th. We are in a type of medical limbo. Waiting, waiting, waiting, experiencing feelings, feelings, and more feelings. I stumbled upon this quote from John Updike that made me smile because it exposed my quest to find a song, or writing, that would take me back to a carefree day I had last summer before all of “this”:
Christianity isn’t looking for a rainbow. If it were … we’d pass out opium at services. We’re trying to serve God, not be God.
The cancer spread to another lymph node, and she may need a neck dissection and/or more radiation. Sigh! I am going to share a bit of a letter I wrote to Brittany’s doctor describing how God walked us through her radiation (below). I do recommend patients (or their moms) write to the doctors. As flustered as we get with doctors, they do need to hear back from their patients. I think feedback helps them to be better decision makers, or possibly more empathetic.
I am not finding the internet to be my friend of late……it feels like more of a foe! A few months ago I came online and found a Facebook posting from Brittany that said; “Don’t ever research your disease online.” My heart sank…..I knew that dreadful feeling because I, too, had tried to find answers online. A search for stage 3 thyroid cancer, and stage 1 lymph cancer is not happy surfing. It’s absolutely terrifying, and the people who post are more inclined to really groan. They feel unheard by their doctors, and use the internet as a voice that is loud, inflected, and sometimes demanding to be heard. If your child is about to drink radiation there are sites online with the reasons you should never drink the Atomic Cocktail………..and the possible damage (it settles in soft tissues and can cause leukemia, etc., etc.). Often at a doctor’s appointment you start to feel as if you are part of an algorithm……….a statistical average………not an individual. I realize doctors must be careful not to get personally involved with a patient (it complicates the situation), and yet………….as you sit and watch the process, and you try to find answers online, and little-to-nothing there satisfies your anxiety. I think….maybe…doctors who have been patients, or received bad news themselves are all the better for it……and, ultimately, it’s my hope that we will come out all the better too!
Speaking of anxiety…………so many Christians remind me that I am in sin to be anxious. I have really contemplated that and tell them they are probably right and that I will repent. Yet, in my heart I have come to agree with my favorite writer, C. S. Lewis who said it’s more like an affliction. He shares that we should not feel guilty about them, or view them as a defect of our faith, but if we can see them for what they are (and, surely, they are nothing new to God who compares his own love to that of a mother’s. It’s a special gift God gave to us. Without anxiety over our children’s well-being we could not be good mothers………so, indeed, more an affliction than truly a sin………and as Lewis says it brings us to a point of sharing in our passion for Christ as we wrestle in our flesh, then cry out to God for relief and mercy).
“Affliction is often that thing which prepares an ordinary person for some sort of an extraordinary destiny.”
— C.S. Lewis
This has been my spirit crushing year. Mothers are so special, the love they have for their children surely makes God smile. I tend to think in reflection that maybe my love for my children was too selfish…………..so magnificent………….so enlarging of my own heart………….I tended it like a beautiful garden not realizing someday a storm would come through and I would only see the wreckage…………and I had to be broken, to be rebuilt? To get my mind off circumstances, and deal with a medical establishment that has caused me to experience a complete surrender……..hence a completely broken spirit…………so crushed I became fearful to even hope……….because hope dashed hurts more than no hope. Coming full circle I am seeing more clearly just how much I ignored what God was saying to me.
Eventually, I am going to blog about maneuvering through the medical system and my lessons in love from God through this trial (and teeth-grinding, emotional melt-down doctor appointments). Please pray for complete healing of Brittany’s body. She is hypothyroid, and often not well, and sometimes my world seems to spin while my heart seems to stop momentarily. Being Brittany’s mom is my strength and my weakness. I am completely unobjective and entrenched in the splendor and pain of watching someone you love go through this type of trial.. ..that at times you think you literally feel a crushing pain.
Kiss your children and thank God for his glorious gift………because surely out of all of God’s magnificent beauty in nature……….my sweetest gift this year has been to hear my daughter laugh……….when I hear it I feel like all is well………….it’s better than any medicine (and pray for those hurting moms! The cards and e-mails mean the world to Brittany. She has kept every one. Thank you, thank you to the ladies who took the time to write a short e-mail and cards, because indeed, it’s one of the few things in this life that leaves me speechless, weepy, and so glad God gives me glimpses of the goodness within the hearts of His people):
Not really sure why I am sharing this (below). Maybe it will make one grateful their child is healthy, or help someone else see that being fearful is alright…………I tend to throw all caution to the wind, and really want to impart that I believe I have allowed a thief to steal what could have been precious moments in my life. Oh the wonders of hindsight…………..
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Last Friday I met my friend in Little Italy for dinner. Her son now works in Nuclear Medicine at the Clinic, and he joined us after work. It brought back memories of Brittany’s day of treatment there. I have not shared this with many people, not because it’s unbearable for me, but because when I did my friends started to cry, and they didn’t see the whole picture. I shared with you how surreal it was to watch the daughter, I couldn’t bear to give thimerosal, drink radiation. It all seemed so effortless. The whole sanitized, labyrinths of white walls we walked to get to that point made my knees weak. It’s like entering a black and white movie, with colorized decorator purple gloves on the wall. After it’s over you walk up those metro-styled stairs, and when you reach the top it’s as if the world is in fast forward. It seems as if everyone moved forward except you. You can’t gather your thoughts, so you stand there and close your eyes (probably hoping you will wake up from a dream, instead you hear something startling……you think you hear your heart scream). I opened my eyes to see the real world had gone on, and people were walking about, some were in a hurry, some were smiling, but you instantly realize that no one heard the tormenting sound you just experienced. You gather your children and you walk……….you fit in………and find an odd comfort in the mundane and normalcy of life. You get to your car……..and just as you are ready to cry………you hear your child say, “Mom,” and you blink away your tears, and you turn to hear her say, “I have decided what I want to go to college for.” You ask what that would be, and she says, “I want to go into Nuclear Medicine.” The ironies of our life experienced and viewed through the eyes of a young patient and her heartbroken mother is quizzical, normal, expected….and in some ways profound………but, once again, you thank God for His mercies and you continue on with a renewed vision (and, quite possibly, the scream was a metamorphosis of the heart).
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